When you return to a place filled with memories from a time once before, it’s hard to make new without fantasizing about the ones that once filled the atmosphere, but are now long gone…but not in the heart.
The memories from my long winters stay here in Austria and Germany, are still very much alive in me and as I cross the threshold into my parents house, they greet me with all their love, all their joy, their sorrow and magic they hold from my time here before. With each step I take inside, making my way to my old room, the memories dance around me saying hello, embracing me like people who were awaiting my arrival. Same place, a different time, new memories to be made, yet the old ones still remain. Even along the streets, in the trams and buses and each place I once was welcome me with a flashing memory like a secret wink shared between two people communicating a momentary connection of understanding. I begin to feel nostalgia, sadness and missing what once was.
I know where this is going if I choose to entertain it. I will cry and get lost in the tears of nostalgia leaving the present behind for some version of myself to appear in my place while I live inside my head. Not this time, however. I was with my dear friend, Daniel, a few days ago in Germany and while sitting there talking and laughing this sudden thought came to me and while participating in our experience, I also fell as a witness to it – fully there, engaged, but watching –
It didn’t stop me from enjoying our time together. It was simply like a knock of reality that kept me poised in the moment to see just how alive each one is and then just passes away in all its significance, but as if insignificant as well. Truth be told though, these moments don’t die. They don’t disappear, nor vanish or become nonexistent. They are existence... and simply pass away into my heart as a collection where they live forever in my own secret immortality – a grateful heart for my lifetime here and now –
I recently realized that when I leave a person, a place, an experience and say goodbye for the time being, I have a tendency to bury the feelings and memories surrounding them to avoid going to that saddened place in my mind of missing them. I do this, hoping to prevent the agony of not being present where I am and who I’m with. So, in my process of letting go, I “forget” them.
While spending time with Daniel, I came to the conclusion that I had done just that -forgotten- when letting him go after our beautiful travels together this winter. This made me see that I’ve done this all my life. I felt really “strong” for being able to let go like this. However, I’ve been feeling lately that maybe it’s time I learn to let go while remembering and that I might find more strength in doing so. To not be afraid of letting the memories live vibrantly with me as I go where I go and am with whom I’m with. I can actually engage the magic of my heart’s collection – all the people – all the places – all the experiences – without the fear of becoming too sad while I miss those who are too far away when I wish them to be near.
I’ve heard when you miss someone – simply miss them – send them love and light, then drop it. A practice I’ve only just come to know, trusting that when I think of each of you out there in the world living your stories, being who you are – you do feel the love and the light I dearly send as I am remembering you alive with me here.
So, here’s to a new approach of Letting Go – When I miss, I can do so without the fear of losing my presence in each moment. I am sending my love out as I am remembering the presents I carry treasured in my heart from my Life’s entirety. The nostalgia from memories of where I once was, magically transforms into happiness of Here I Am.